Earn Your Red Wings

A subject many consider taboo is sexual contact with a woman that is having her period. Some don’t mind, a few even have a fetish for it, but many consider it a taboo topic they’d just as soon not bother with. They wait the 5-7 days and then resume relations once it is finished.

When someone says they have “earned their red wings”, it means they have had sex with a woman during her monthly menstrual cycle. The red wings come from the streaks of blood on the inside of the woman’s thighs from the pumping in and out.

I personally find it hilarious a major sports team carries this name, considering it’s meaning, and I’m sure anyone reading this will never hear of that team again without thinking of this topic.

I don’t get the big taboo, but to many as I said it is. True, a woman doesn’t feel her cleanest even if they wear tampons. You just don’t feel fresh. The thought of oral sex during your period is pretty icky to me, but intercourse, yes. As long as you come prepared with folded beach towels and hop in the shower afterwards, is it that big of a deal?

Many women can feel hornier during their periods, so they want to have an orgasm. I can personally relate to this. The only drawback I have found to having an orgasm during your period, is for a few hours afterwards, it usually increases the flow of blood. As the uterine contractions caused by an orgasm also increase the blood output.

As long as you shower afterwards and get in your super plus tampons, that should do the trick. I don’t get why some man would deny his lady sex just because she happens to be bleeding. It’s blood, it’s not acid, it will wash right off, nothing to fear! So for men out there who have “earned their red wings”, good for you for being there for your lady.

What’s In A Fetish? Maybe Not What You Think

By Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S

Fetish, fe•tish noun: an object or bodily part whose real or fantasized presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may or may not be required for complete sexual expression

—Merriam Webster, 2012

 Sexual fetishes* are defined as recurrent and intensely arousing sexual fantasies, urges, and behaviors that incorporate specific roles and/or physical objects. Theses objects and roles are brought into one’s sexual life because they feel compelling to the individual and because they are a primary source of sexual arousal.

Involvement in and fascination with fetishistic sexual behavior lies on a continuum. Some individuals or couples may occasionally incorporate a fetish object or act to add a little spice into their sexual lives, while others are solely aroused by fetishistic behavior, finding sex to be neither interesting nor arousing without that element.

In other words, for some people fetishes are nonexclusive, meaning the fetish is only one element of a wider arousal pattern, whereas for others the fetish is exclusive, meaning the individual can’t become aroused without it.

While the majority of sexual fetishes are playful and harmless means of sexual arousal, some are also illegal, pathological and dangerous. This blog will focus on the less pathological, better-known fetish behaviors. In future blogs we will discuss more profound fetish related sexual pathology.

Some of the more well-known sexual fetishes are:

• Sexual behavior involving inanimate objects such as high heels, women’s lingerie, etc.

• Sexual behavior that incorporates “toys” such as dildos, vibrators, cock rings, nipple clamps, etc.

• A strong attraction to specific physical traits in sexual partners and/or porn “performers” such as body size (petite or chubby) or body parts (XL or XS sized breasts, penises, buttocks, etc.)

• Highly specific sexualized acts like those involving physical suffering and/or humiliation of oneself or one’s partner, also known as BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism)

Other relatively common sexual fetishes include arousal involving “water sports” (urination), coprophilia (fecal matter), cross dressing, attraction to contortionism, foot worship, verbal humiliation, body hair, skin color, armpits, amputations, leather, rubber, denim, cigars, perfumes, food, exhibitionism, voyeurism, frotteurism, transvestites, children, etc. Literally, the list is endless.

Putting terms and clinical labels aside for the moment, one simple way to understand a fetishistic attraction is to consider what it is like for most adults to have a “type” of person toward whom they feel more sexually attracted than others.

For example, Matt “likes” leggy blonde women—supermodel Heidi Klum might exemplify Matt’s type—whereas his brother Joe likes curvy women with large breasts such as actress Sofia Vergara. Joe’s friend Ramona reports being “totally turned on” by dark haired men with beards and long hair, while Ray’s boss Alan seems unable to turn away from his fascination with slim Asian women. While not fetishes themselves, but more preferences if you will, the concept of having a sexual type offers some insight into those with more profoundly fetishistic attractions.

To those who somehow think of sexual fetishes as solely a men’s issue… Wake up! The burgeoning Fifty Shades series of fetishistic erotic novels recently surpassed 10 million copies sold—and the primary buyers were adult women. In case you missed it, the trilogy’s male protagonist is a handsome BDSM enthusiast whose “Red Room of Pain” hosts numerous hardcore sex scenes. Many women do indeed exhibit strong fetish interest and behavior.

BDSM (as in Fifty Shades) is one of the better-known fetish experiences, even though most people don’t necessarily wish to experience it firsthand. But don’t let that fool you, as a significant segment of the population does find immense sexual satisfaction when engaging in a little bit of consensual spanking. In fact, the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom estimates that between 5 and 10 percent of American adults engage in sadomasochism for sexual pleasure on at least an occasional basis (with most incidents being either mild or staged incidents in which no real pain is involved).

And there is nothing clinically “wrong” with any of the above. Consensual sexual activity that lies outside the sexual bell curve or “norm” is not considered a crime, an addiction, or even a problem for most people.

The Internet: Destigmatizing the Misunderstood

In pre-Internet days, individuals with uncommon patterns of sexual arousal found it very difficult to connect with one another. Many of them felt as if they were sick or broken, as there were no easily accessible models or peer groups to validate their particular arousal pattern. Consider Charlie, a gay “chubby chaser”:

I always had a thing for big guys, right from the start. In school, we had this science teacher and he was huge. Huge! And I had such a crush on him. To me, fat guys are sexy, and the bigger the better. For a long time, though, I felt like a freak because gay culture told me that I was supposed to be attracted to the guys in tight jeans and muscle shirts—not the ones in caftans! I felt totally out of place, and also learned that the obese guys who turned me on felt that way, too. In fact, a lot of the guys I was attracted to told me that most evenings and weekends they just stayed at home, hiding, with no way for someone like me to meet them. But that was then. Today, thanks to the Internet, I can find like-minded friends and/or partners all over the world. It doesn’t matter where I live or who I know, I can go online and feel part-of, not alone, and not a freak. Nowadays I’m just another guy with “special needs,” if you will.

Virtually every fetish can now be discussed and experienced (both vicariously and in real life) via the Internet. The web today offers up pornography to eroticize nearly everything. More importantly, there are support groups that allow those with certain fetishes to meet, interact and share practices. No longer do people have to feel as if they are the only one aroused by this or that particular thing, or that there’s something wrong with them for having a different pattern of arousal than the average person.

But Aren’t Fetishes Psychological Disorders?

Most fetishes are harmless sources of sexual pleasure, play and physical intimacy. The vast majority of fetish behavior is NOT considered to be psychologically unhealthy as long as the person is accepting of his or her feelings and open to sharing those feelings with partners. It is far more likely that someone with a fetish will enter therapy due to the psychological stress, shame and confusion they feel about having or sharing these sexual feelings than because of an underlying mental disorder. And, in fact, we have little to demonstrate that an adult sexual fetish is in any way treatable.

Though someone’s ego-dystonic (unhappy) feelings about what turns them on them can be resolved, but (similar to sexual orientation) even the person sincerely dedicated to change his or her fetishistic arousal pattern is unlikely to succeed. While uncovering past trauma and coming to understand the cause of a particular arousal pattern may be of interest to some in the analytic world, insight is highly unlikely to make that arousal pattern go away.

As the political and social climate toward various non-pathological fetishes changes (thanks in large part to the Internet) so too does the medical/psychological climate. Thus, as time passes and society becomes inured to “uncommon” sexual fantasies and behaviors—by hearing about them in chat rooms and blogs, or learning about them through erotic sites, fetish apps, and elsewhere—such fantasies and behaviors are becoming less stigmatized, less pathologized, and more generally accepted.

There are of course many profoundly concerning, disturbing, illegal and pathological fetishes (child porn, exhibitionism, voyeurism, pedophilia, bestiality, etc.), and, as mentioned earlier, those will be addressed in future blogs. To quickly learn more basics about fetish behavior I suggest websites such as WebMd, AASECT.org , PositivePassions.com, and lovepanky.com.

Backdoor Bustle

To many people and in many cultures anal sex is taboo. So much so, in many countries, 36% of the world, it is still illegal.  Now how many are actually prosecuted, that remains unknown, as how many times is a law officer in the place where people are conducting such acts, not very often.
In strict countries, it is even punishable by death. The world is truly crazy to try and legislate what consenting adults do in their own bedrooms.

In the words of former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau, “there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation”. Too bad all countries don’t agree.

Men, many of them, adore anal sex, since even the loosest ass is tighter than the tightest pussy, right? It feels good for them. Some women feel the same, though it’s much more desired among men.

I talk to men around the clock about their sexual desires, and anal sex is one of the top topics mentioned as a desired thing to do. Many of their wives and girlfriends do not want this though, so most go without it, but it is very much craved, believe me.

Anal sex has an element of the forbidden precisely because it has been considered an unnatural act from biblical times.

Who knows how many have been imprisoned or even put to death for a merely sexual act when they have been charged and prosecuted for anal sex. Luckily most civilized Western countries have repealed many of the laws regarding this act so people can do as they wish with their sexual partners without worry of being charged with a crime.

Naughty Things

Difficulties with Trust

http://www.privateaffairs.com/trust.php

This topic was prompted by a question that appeared in the Philanderers' Forum. On 2 June 1999, "Totally" posted the following message:

"Is it possible for a man that has had a few affairs to ever be faithful?
I'm asking because I am now facing a long term relationship with him.
And I know I'm a hypocrite, cos I've been having an affair with him for the last 8 months. I just don't know how I feel about trusting him."

I suspect that the most popular answer from philanderers and from those virtuous folk who never have affairs would the same: Don't trust him! However, there is more than one route which can be taken to arrive at this conclusion. Let's consider some of the differences here.

Coming from a non-philanderer, the advice that Totally shouldn't trust her lover assumes that we all know what trust is. Moreover, it assumes that trust is an inherently desirable and even necessary quality in the relationship. Why, then, should it be that so many relationships (including that of the last eight months between Totally's man and his regular partner) are characterised by duplicity and betrayal? In the ideology of fidelity (in its late 20th century, Anglo-American form), this is explained through a simple division of the world's population into two groups: the good people (who can be 'trusted', are 'faithful', etc) and the bad people (who can't and aren't). In other words, trust is individualised: it becomes 'trustworthiness', the quality of an individual who is more or less capable and deserving of a Proper Heterosexual Relationship. In this view, Totally's lover is one of the bad guys, a man who can't and shouldn't be trusted. Is Totally herself also one of the 'bad guys'? Perhaps, though the high value she places on fidelity and trust suggests (according to the conventional view) that she might be a candidate for reform, perhaps contingent upon sincere repentance and a renewed commitment to her primary partner (if she has one). Taken to its logical conclusion, the non-philanderer's advice "Don't trust him!" must be heard as an bleak instruction to Totally to ditch her lover now while she still has a chance to redeem herself.

Now let's look at how a philanderer might approach the question of trust differently. This time, the answer "Don't trust him!" can be reached without assuming that we all know what trust is. It can also do without the assumption that trust is inherently desirable and necessary. Here, the important aspects of Totally's problem are differently emphasised. The questions are not "can he be faithful?", "can she trust him?", but "why would she want him to be faithful?", "why should she want to start trusting him - at least in this particular way?". While the non-philanderer is effectively saying "Don't trust him - he's a bad guy", the philanderer's advice can be heard as saying "Don't ruin a perfectly good relationship by bringing trust into it".

This is not an advertisement for open relationships. The official organs of open relationships (also known as polyamory: check out www.lovemore.com) counterbalance their sexual liberalism with an unusually heavy emphasis on notions of 'trust' and 'honesty' as the key to success. In a nutshell, the polyamorists take the moral high ground despite their liberal sexual practices by portraying themselves as even more trustworthy and honest than the boring old monogamists. They excuse their extramarital sexual adventures by placing them in a context of a carefully-negotiated marital arrangement which preserves and upholds honesty (in the form of confession) and commitment (sexual licence is bought at the cost of a renewed emphasis on staying permanently married).

The seasoned philanderer has no truck with such a philosophy. What the polyamorists miss, and what the philanderer knows is this: Trust is an over-rated virtue. One can find both liberation and security with a partner who is entirely untrustworthy.

Suppose that for the last eight months Totally and her man have been having a perfectly happy affair. What if the philanderer were to list the sorts of things that Totally might, in that time, have found to love about this relationship?

(1) The man has not promised to be faithful to Totally and so she is exempt from having to make the painful discovery that he has been cheating on her (a form of diplomatic immunity not shared by his primary partner).

(2) He has not vowed to live with her until death parts them and so she is exempt from ever having to deal with the unpleasant surprise of being suddenly deserted (again, his primary partner is not so lucky).

(3) He knows how to look after his own interests and personal happiness and has the initiative to conduct discreet extramarital relationships where this is an appropriate move for him. Thus, even if she were to become his primary partner, Totally is unlikely to find herself in a situation where she believes she has sole responsibility for entertaining her man romantically and sexually. This advantage is not to be underestimated. How many readers (especially women) know the burden of feeling solely and permanently responsible for their faithful partners?

Additionally, it is worth noting that Totally and her man know that the other is capable of lying - effectively and continuously for months on end, if necessary. Thus, as a couple they are released from the moral imperative to be honest with each other. This is a unique blessing. Perversely, in the rhetoric of Proper Relationships, honesty, as a performance of blunt truthfulness, is made equal to a loving concern for the emotional welfare of one's partner. Conversely, lying (including lying by omission) is equated with acting maliciously. This is strange, because in most cases of marital deception the opposite principle is demonstrated. We lie to our partners about our infidelities because we want to protect their feelings. Similarly, we conceal our thoughts whenever we find our partner unattractive or tiresome because to reveal those thoughts would be positively spiteful. We might go so far as to say that most marital lying involves telling your partner what they want to hear. Lying may be an essential ingredient in a successful marriage. If this is the case, Totally and her man are on the first step to a happy future. Because they know that they are both thoroughly untrustworthy, they are free to love each other with silences and fictions as well as kisses and confidences. They are free to care for each other emotionally without being compromised by principles of honesty or notions of accountability and guilt.

In short, the philanderer's version of the advice "Don't trust him!" can be heard as a variation on the old truism "If it ain't broke, don't fix it". Trust and fidelity are not presently ingredients in the relationship between Totally and her man. Indeed, since it has the status of an extramarital affair, it is positively distinguished by its lack of those traditional virtues. And so far, it would seem, the relationship has been going rather well. So, a seasoned philanderer might ask, why rock the boat? To introduce honesty and trust into the relationship now would surely be to usher in deception and betrayal at the same time.

A final comment remains to be made. Astute readers may be asking themselves on what grounds Totally can trust the philanderer's advice. How can anyone be sure that the philanderer's account of trust is not itself a lie or a kind of deception? The answer: you can't, or to put it another way, you don't have to. It could be a pack of lies (and probably is). Best not to be taken in. ©

Your Lover's Spouse

http://www.privateaffairs.com/your.php

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This article is especially for those philanderers who know how it feels to be the 'third party' in an affair: to be the lover of someone married or with a similar primary attachment. The question I want to consider is this. What might be your moral responsibilities, if any, to the wife or husband of the person with whom you are conducting the affair?

I recently conducted a small and informal survey of some of the people whom I know to have experienced this interesting moral dilemma. The overall feeling seemed to be that if the wife or husband is a close personal friend of yours then you should respect that friendship and stay out of a sexual relationship with their partner. However, if you have never met your married lover's spouse, then (I am told) you owe them nothing special and can proceed more or less without guilt.

The idea that you have a greater responsibility to the people you know has a certain intuitive appeal. However, I am not convinced that the argument stands up philosophically. To take an analogous instance, most people have a moral objection to robbing people's houses. Burglary is treated as an immoral behaviour pretty much without exception. Thus, burglars do not expect to be treated more leniently in court just because they have only ever robbed the houses of people they haven't been introduced to. This being the case, I am not sure that we can justify an extra callous attitude towards the cheated-on wife or husband just because you don't happen to know them at the time you begin sleeping with their partner. Surely, in the interests of fairness, the cuckolded spouses who are your friends and those who are strangers ought to be treated with equal consideration.

What then, should this consideration entail? Ask yourself: what are the minimum responsibilities you feel (if any) towards the husband or wife of your married lover if you have never met them - and perhaps don't expect to? The folk I asked tended to suggest the following as general guidelines:

(1) Don't entice your married lover to leave home; they may be cheating on their partner but that doesn't mean they want a divorce.
(2) Warn your married lover if you are carrying a sexually transmitted disease.

Of course, even these basic rules are debatable, but for the present purpose I will take them as the minimum conditions of moral responsibility towards the husband or wife of your married lover; a basic code of politeness if you will, which can and should be extended even towards spouses whom you don't personally know.

So far, so good. But we are now left with a morally interesting situation. If you are not going to extend special favours towards those husbands and wives whom you do know (in the interests of fairness, as I suggested above), then these two basic conventions of 'polite' affairs are all that can be expected from you. No matter who is involved. No matter if you are sleeping with your sister's husband or your best buddy's wife. No special treatment, no exceptions can be made, if we are not to find ourselves in the morally and philosophically untenable position of treating the people we don't know as though not having been introduced to us somehow made them more deserving of betrayal.

An across-the-board policy of (realistically achievable) moral responsibility towards the spouses of your lovers will do nothing to comfort those spouses who are also your relatives or close friends. However, it may lend the guilty third party a reassuring sense of integrity. As reported to me by my respondents, a similar sense of integrity may be achieved through a policy of truthfulness when directly questioned by the suspicious spouse of your married lover.

The rationale is something like this: It may be that the spouse knows that your lover is having an affair, but not know the identity of the third party. In this case, if the spouse is a friend or relative of yours, s/he is quite likely to ask you "Do you think X (your married lover) is having an affair?" to which you can truthfully answer yes. This reduces the amount of actual deception that is necessary and will allow you to play the 'integrity' card (for what it is worth) later on in the event that your cover is blown. For the same reasons, if the spouse asks you "Are you having an affair with X?", you should again give the truthful answer yes. You should bear in mind that if the spouse of your married lover asks you directly whether you are the third party in the affair, s/he probably already knows that this is the case. Your situation at this point cannot be improved by lying and you should demonstrate as great a fidelity to the truth as possible. On the other hand, if the spouse merely suspects that your lover is having an affair but does not know who with, s/he is unlikely to accuse you, just in case s/he is wrong. Here, you can be as truthful as you like because of the neglible likelihood that the spouse will be certain of which questions to ask.

There is a third issue pertaining to your moral responsibility towards the spouse of your married lover which is probably worth mentioning. Where the spouse is a close friend or relative of yours, it may be that both parties confide in you about their private lives and their relationship as a couple. I am advised that you should not assume a greater loyalty towards whichever member of the couple you are sleeping with. Do not make a mental note of everything the spouse tells you and report it to your married lover. In particular, if you learn that the cheated-on spouse is also having an affair, do not grass them up to your lover. It is not in your interests to force any kind of confrontation between the two of them. And the day may come when you would like to have an affair with the spouse who is currently left out. Do not assume that your lover will thank you for playing at romantic espionage on his or her behalf. You can trust your married lover less now than before you were sleeping together. S/he is a liability because s/he has information which can damage you.

Alert readers will have noticed that this third issue has less to do with the third-party philanderer's personal integrity and more to do with insuring oneself against the shit eventually hitting the fan. ©

The Hidden Truth About Casual Sex

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http://www.privateaffairs.com/casual.php

There is a certain disturbing truth about casual sex that is being kept very quiet. I want to introduce myself to this web site, and to you, by making that truth public immediately.
It is this: Casual sex is as near to 'authentic' and 'real' as sex can get. All other forms of sex are imitations of casual sex.

This, of course, is contrary to popular belief. The conventional feeling seems to be that 'real sex' is that which takes place between partners who are familiar with each other, committed to each other, who have had lots of practice having sex with each other.

People who uphold this view have, however, to deal with a couple of problems. If this kind of sex is the 'real thing', why the prevalence of masturbation and casual sex as practices? These practices, when played out by people who are in apparently happy, stable relationships, are the source of a good deal of distress to proponents of the conventional view, who feel 'cheated on' and are ardent in their failure to understand how something so 'cold' and 'arbitrary' could be 'better' than what is being offered at home.

There are not many explanations offered by adulterers and other infidels for the appeal of these practices. The most that is said is something about 'variety' and 'novelty' being a desirable and even necessary feature of a 'live' sex life. And, moreover, the infidel has to deal with a problem posed by the aggrieved partner: if married sex is 'boring' and 'samey', how is it possible for those hurt partners to maintain their own interest in marital sex? How do they manage to stay enthusiastic about it? This may often be a complete mystery to the infidel.

A possible answer suggests itself through theories of desire as a 'lack'. Taking the second question first, the reason that aggrieved husbands and wives manage to stay interested in marital sex is precisely because the infidel has lost interest in them. The possibility of wholehearted sexual union has evaporated, and so the conditions are created for the faithful partner to ongoing experience desire - in the form of sexual hunger, an absence - for their infidelitous partner. However, for the infidelitous partner, what started out as desire, in the early stages of the sexual relationship when the couple were still strangers to one another, was long ago fulfilled. Hunger satiated is hunger no more. In giving themselves to their partner, the faithful partners inadvertently extinguish the infidelitous partners' desire. The infidelitous partner, once satisfied, withdraws, and so desire is re-stimulated and maintained in the faithful. For the faithful partner, then, marital sex IS casual sex, in the sense that they are doing it with someone who is (once again) unknown to them, i.e. absent.

The answer to the first question now becomes apparent. Since the possibility of desire for the faithful partner has been extinguished, the sexually interested man or woman must look outside that relationship for new partners who are relatively unknown to them. These infidelitous relationships, because they typically feature people who do not know each other well and who are not committed to each other through emotional or domestic bonds, are both absent to each other and hence may experience desire for each other simultaneously - at least for a short while. This is what makes extramarital sex so exciting, particularly when both infidels are married.

The long-term prognosis for an extramarital relationship will also depend on each party's marital status. For example, a happy outlook may particularly characterize those extramarital relationships in which both parties are married. This is because when they are both married the fact of their dual married status makes them perpetually unavailable (absent) to each other, and so mutual desire can be sustained over time, even past the obstacles of knowing each other well, sheer repetition of the sexual act, etc, that can seem to destroy the pleasure of marital sex. When the third party is single, a different outcome may prevail. On the one hand, it may be the case that the married status of the infidel is sufficient to keep them both perpetually absent. However, on the other hand, a 'problem' for the infidel of relationships with an unmarried third party is the possibility that the single person will fall in love with them. The married status of the infidel creates ideal circumstances for this to happen to the single third party. However, for the infidel, the fact of his or her own unavailability or absence may not be sufficient to keep them from feeling that the extramarital relationship has turned into another marriage. The single third party who has fallen in love with his married lover has (against the 'rules' of infidelity) made himself over-available and 'present' and the opportunity for desire on the part of the infidel is once again extinguished.

Perhaps the most favorable prognosis for an infidel and a single third party is when the third party loses interest in the infidel (not through the simple satiation of desire but for some other reason - eg through the suppression of sexual appetite with drugs, through an apparently better offer from someone else, or whatever). The third party then becomes absent to the infidel in the same way that the infidel is absent to the faithful partner, and so desire - at least on the part of the infidel - can be sustained.

Infidels who experience great desire for their lovers - especially the 'absent' single lover - will know that masturbation and marital sex become imitations of the 'casual' sex experienced in the extramarital relationship.

Casual sex and 'serious' (marital) sex may share many of the same conventions in terms of actual sexual practices - words uttered, gestures performed. These words and gestures are assumed to have something to do with 'love' and so when they are performed in the context of casual sex, they look like a masquerade - an attempt to recreate the 'authentic' experience of 'real' sex. But the notion that these words and gestures have to do with love is a political notion, emergent from a system of political thought about relationships that dictates (eg) that affection arises from mutual knowledge and familiarity, that sex is somehow the 'deepest' and 'closest' act that can take place between two people who already have affiliative and economic investments in one another. However, there is another possibility (which is, of course, also political, but in a different way). This possibility is that the words and gestures of sexual practice have to do with desire - with searching, hungering, needing - in short, with the pursuit of something that is not there (whether not yet there, or withdrawn). If this is the case - if conventional sexual practices have to do with desire and not love, then when they are performed in the context of a marriage or other 'stable, loving' relationship, they look like a masquerade - an attempt to recreate the more authentic experience of 'casual' sex.

There is some corroboration for this thesis in the observation that, on the whole, people's sexual fantasies do not seem to be fantasies about familiarity and emotional commitment. They do not involve the words 'I love you' and they do not feature people running hand in hand through fields of wild flowers. More often (if the psychological literature is to be believed), they involve rape and other kinds of abuse, masked strangers, animals, and all manner of characters and scenes that violate conventional understandings of what real love (and real loving sex) ought to look like. When it comes to fantasies used not in masturbation but in marital sex, even the most faithful partners will admit to fantasizing about someone else - usually someone paradigmatically unknown to them, such as celebrities - and the infidels will, of course, fantasize about their lovers.

Further support for the thesis that casual sex is the 'real thing' is found in the techniques that married couples use to try and 'put the romance back' into a routine sex life. Faced with the satiation of desire on both sides, they begin to play outlandish games, adopt different sexual roles, dress up in costumes that make them look like children or prostitutes. This is entirely recognizable in terms of a theory of desire - what they are doing is trying to make themselves strangers - absences - to each other once again. However, in terms of a traditional theory of love, these very usual practices are problematic. According to the conventional wisdom about loving sex, there should be no need to 'spice up your sex life' in the first place, and certainly no need to do it in such a way that actively alienates the partners from one another.

This problem may be dealt with and rationalized in terms of a loving married couple becoming 'adventurous' together. A progressive, up-the-mountain account may be produced in which the married couple is depicted as going on a journey of discovery into the depths of each other's sexuality, doing and learning things that are positively enabled by their enduring familiarity with each other and the longevity of their relationship and mutual commitment. This may be a comforting thought to those anxious to hold on to traditional notions of love, but it is not very plausible, given what I have already said about the tendency of these practices to resemble and recreate alienating, anonymous and even abusive sexual situations. What they are actually doing is trying to re-stimulate desire by imitating casual sex. It is, of course, no substitute for the real thing.   ©

Primary

In the polyamory lovestyle, some people have chosen to give their multiple romantic interests titles, such as primary, secondary & tertiary.  The primary is usually the partner that you have the deeper history or perhaps the one you live with, such as your wife.  The others are "girlfriends".

I do not follow this philosophy.  To be a primary partner is the person you are most focused on at any particular moment.  They are the most important.  They are whom all your time & energy is connected.  Therefore, when you visit me, you become my primary partner.  When you stand before me, you are the most important thing in my world.

Naughty Things Top 20

Fellow Philanderer Caught in the Act!!! Technology strikes again!

http://www.privateaffairs.com/caught.php

Dear Readers,
I received a very disturbing e-mail a while ago from a former followerof The Philanderer's Homepage. It would seem that this unfortunate fellow had bookmarked The Philanderer's Homepage on his www browser on the home computer. Unbeknown to him, his wife was surfing the net while he was at work and decided to checkout her husband's hot list. Unfortunately The Philanderer's Homepage was disastrously easy for his wife to find.

She had absolutely no suspicion of his extramarital affair before finding The Philanderer's Homepage. He had no idea of her discovery.

She didn't confront him right away with her knowledge of The Philanderer's Homepage. As her suspicions were raised due to her "discovery", she began to take note of her husband's habit's. At the first sign of a slip-up, she went for the kill.

The slip-up you ask? Read on.

She was waiting up for him after he had told her that he would be working late. He had told her that he didn't know how late he would be and not to stay up as it could be after midnight before he got home. Around 10:30 P.M. she called his work. No Answer. She then phoned her husband's work colleague who is also in the same department. His colleague was at home and had no knowledge of her husband having to work late.

When he arrived home she met him at the door, and remained as calm and collected as she could. As he was taking off his coat, she wrapped her arms around him and gave him a big smooch. She then asked why he had alcohol on his breath. He turned red, stammered a bit, but was unable to come up with an immediate answer. She then asked why he didn't answer the phone when she called his office. Again he was unable to immediately answer her question. She then asked him about the perfume smell on his shirt. At that point he thought he was busted. Assuming she knew what was going on, he confessed on the spot.

Be advised folks, this information contained in this webpage can be used against you. If your significant other was to come across this page, they will know what to watch for. Life as you now know it may come to an abrupt end.
For your own safety, unless you are the only one who has access to your computer, Don't bookmark this webpage!
The title as it appears on your hotlist may look harmless but the contents can bury you!!!
If you have already bookmarked this webpage and you wish to return to it, commit the address to memory then , remove it immediately so that others will not stumble across it!   ©

How to Make a Girl Squirt

There are many ways to make a girls squirt, and all is needed are fingers and oral job. The best advice is to try with exploration in different things, different numbers of fingers, different parts of her pussy and ass. Most important is to be innovative and inventive.

Surely, some of the best fingering comes in conjunction with oral, but there is a little secret that gives to any women best orgasm of her life.

Here are step by step instructions how to make a girl squirt:

You can start by performing oral on her inner thighs, clitoris and labia especially, to start getting her relaxed and wet. You must continually suck and lick the clitoris throughout the duration of the whole oral act, because oral increases power, pleasure and increases chances of female ejaculating orgasm.

With the hand you write with, take two fingers closest to your thumb (pointer and middle finger) and make them wet with her pussy juice or with your mouth. The most important thing is to make sure your nails are trimmed and not sharp, because you could hurt her.

Slide those two fingers in, with the fingerprint part of the fingers facing up (nails down), slide them in firmly but slowly, as far as they will go without using too much pressure. If she is really tight you may need to start with one, and if there is a lot of wetness but resistance, you may need to tease and taste her pussy some more. Once you get those fingers in, tease her inner walls slowly with the pads of your fingers, and get her even more juicy. When you think that she is ready to have the orgasm of her life, you may begin:

  1. Now you will maneuver your fingers to find her g-spot. Yes, it exists, and yes, every woman has one. Slide your fingers in about 2 inches, UP, and then BACK towards the front of the pussy (like you’re going up behind her clitty). Her g-spot is actually a patch of her inner walls which is on the FRONT INNER WALL of her pussy, above the hole itself. So, in, up, and back towards the entrance. You should feel, on that wall, a very rough patch of skin – rougher than the rest of her smooth inner pussy. You’ve found it. Congratulations.

  2. By making a beckoning motion with your two fingers (a come hither, bending fingers motion), you should be able to pull the fingerprint/pad part of the tips of your two fingers against that spot. Try it. Pull back against it with your two fingers and press a little. Tease it, stimulate it with your fingers. Make her feel good. She should be squirming and breathing very heavily by now.

  3. As you start to rhythmically tap/press/pull your fingertips against the g-spot, she should start getting wetter. If you’re doing it right, and she’s comfortable with it, you’ll start to hear squelching, sponge-like sounds. The g-spot is like a sponge, it contains a lot of liquid, and feels rough. Keep pressing your fingers against it, over and over, rhythmically, with the same kind of rhythm as if you were sliding your cock in and out of her pussy.

  4. As she starts to get wetter, and enjoy it more, start doing it harder. The more she thrashes from side to side, the harder you do it. Eventually, you can replace the tapping/poking of the g-spot with an outright speed-sliding of those two fingers in and out of her hole. Do it faster and faster, maintain the rhythm, but increase the force. Even when you’re slamming them straight in and out of her hole, try and maintain an upward, outward force with the fingertips, so you’re still pressing up against that g-spot even as you’re slamming her with your fingers with reckless abandon.

  5. Through all of this, she should be squelching, squirming and OBVIOUSLY loving it. If she’s not, you should stop. If she says it hurts (especially if she says it more than once, you might want to stop or at LEAST slow down or not do it so hard. Make sure she’s always wet – not dry for any period of time.

  6. Now here’s the crucial part. When she gets close to ejaculation, she will say that she needs to pee. SHE DOES NOT NEED TO PEE. It’s just a temporary sensation that will pass, but you have to make sure she knows about it beforehand, and you have to make sure she does not stop you, and you do not desist in your slamming. Hold her legs apart with the other hand, if you have to. You can even use your head or knees or whatever to hold her legs open, but make sure she stays relatively still (or she might get hurt on your fingers) and that you KEEP GOING. In fact, when she needs to pee, that’s when you should start doing it harder, cause orgasm is around the corner.

  7. 10-50 seconds after the pee sensation begins, she will start to cum. When she does, DON’T STOP. Just do it harder and harder and harder, pressuring the g-spot upwards all the while. Now she should start to ejaculate. She’ll scream, and her pussy will start shooting clear (transparent), odorless liquid all over the place. There could be a lot of it, it might soak you completely and soak the sheets and everything around her, so make sure you’re prepared.

I guarantee you, if she’s never had one before, the squirting orgasm will be the best orgasm of her life. In my experience, 97% of women are capable of having them, and in certain circumstances, I think it’s more like 99.9%. If you want her to ejaculate in great volumes, have her drink lots of water before you do it, and stay well hydrated. Once she’s finished squirting, SHE CAN SQUIRT AGAIN. Especially if you didn’t do it too hard, and still got her to cum, you can usually start all over, and between one and ten minutes later, she’ll be squirting again. Usually, you have to do it harder each time. My record is seven. The girl that squirted seven times in 45 minutes passed out for 6 hours afterwards (it’s physically exhausting and dehydrating) so be careful if you try more than 2 at once.

Most girls pass out after a couple of them. This can make a girl fall in love and at the very least want to fuck your brains out, so use it wisely rather than to your advantage. Don’t take advantage of people using this. If you do it wrong, or if she’s on her period, she might bleed. That’s usually okay, but just make sure you don’t hurt her, and you stop if she’s screaming with pain, rather than pleasure.

You should always have a safe word with your partner, and you should always make sure she knows what you intend to do and that she’s fine with it. Enjoy this, and I hope it works out for you; I hope it works out for HER, even more so. If it does… well, just wait and see. I’m jealous of women because of g-spot orgasms! There’s NO male equivalent – it’s just absolute ecstasy, nothing less. Remember there are at least fifty ways to make a woman cum (actually lots more) and at least five different types of orgasms so don’t limit yourselves to this whether it works or not.

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Men-s-Erotica-2915/2008/4/GIRL-SQUIRT.htm

Mistaken Identity? I Think Not.

http://www.privateaffairs.com/realname.php

---

I once met a very attractive lady in the lobby of the hotel I was staying at. She was also guest of the hotel, and was in town for a conference. She had explained to me shortly after we met that she had the entire evening to herself, and had to go home the next morning, and was hoping to get out to see a bit of the city before leaving. Well, being the friendly fellow that I am, and having a fairly good knowledge of the city, I persuaded her to allow me to take her to dinner and show her the town. I took her to a quiet little bistro in the city core and was able to get us a table in a cozy and secluded corner by the fireplace. As the evening progressed and the wine was consumed we became quite friendly. When she asked what my last name was I said without hesitation, "Mathews", a name I use for just these types of situations.

And that was that.... or so I thought.

When dinner was done and it was time to leave we were told that the bill was to be paid at the cashier. So we get to the till where we are greeted by the owner himself, a sprightly older man all smiley and amiable. I pulled out my wallet and looked inside to find a single 5 dollar bill. Consternation! No cash! OK, the credit card will have to do. So I hand it to the smiley old man. He rings it through and then takes a close look at the card. As he hands the card back to me he says in a loud and friendly voice, "I trust you found everything to your liking Mr. " MY REAL NAME".

My attractive date was no dummy and picked up on the deception immediately. Saying nothing she turned on her heels and walked out the front door. It was a very long and lonely taxi ride back to the hotel, during which I pondered the wisdom of my ways. It wasn't quite over though. When I arrived in the lobby, who should be there but none other than my dinner date. I tried to avoid her but she had spotted me as soon as I walked in. She knew that the only way to get to my room was to go through the hallway entrance that she was standing in. And there she stood, with arms crossed and fire in her eyes! As I approached she called me a few very choice names, then proceeded to tell me that now that she knew my real last name, and that she was able to persuade the front desk clerk to tell her what company I worked for, that she was going to make life for me a living hell. And with that she stormed off to her room. To make matters worse, the scene did not go unnoticed. A colleague of mine was also in the lobby and was witness to the whole thing.

I was stunned. For months afterwards I jumped every time the phone rang at home and when at the office I avoided my colleague at all costs. I vowed never to use a credit card again. USE CASH ONLY!

Why do people have Extramarital Affairs?

http://www.privateaffairs.com/no.php#why

Here are some, but definitely not all, of the many factors:

• Attraction: sex, companionship, admiration
• Novelty
• Excitement, risk, or challenge
• Curiosity
• Desire to escape or find relief from a painful relationship
• Boredom
• Loneliness
• Desire to fill gaps in an existing relationship
• Need to prove one's attractiveness or worth
• Desire for attention

There is no ONE single reason anyone has an affair. There are usually many reasons.

Who Has Affairs?Many folks tend to think that only bad people have affairs or only people in bad relationships....but no one is immune from an affair.

Monogamy is something most people say they believe in and want for themselves. Every survey ever done on this question shows a high percentage of people think monogamy is important to marriage and that affairs are wrong. Belief in monogamy, however, doesn't prevent large numbers of people from having extramarital affairs. Most people don't intend to have an affair and most people don't think it will happen to them...... but it does.

No one is immune from having affairs; they happen to all kinds of people, in all walks of life, everywhere.


How Often do Affairs Happen?Research of internet sources indicate estimates that 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will be involved in an extramarital affair. These figures are even more significant when you consider the total number of marriages involved!

It's unlikely that all the men and women having affairs will happen to both be married. If even half of the women having affairs (or 20 percent) are married to men not included in the 60 percent having affairs, the over number of marriages effected will be higher. Our studiers have shown that at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 72% percent of all marriages.

How To Make A Woman Orgasm Every Time Using Cunnilingus

If you want to know how to give a woman screaming orgasms you need to become a master of cunnilingus and learn how to perform oral sex properly. Its well known that cunnilingus is one of the most useful sexual variations for men and is certainly one of the most stimulating experiences for women.

In case you don't know, cunnilingus is the art of performing oral sex on a woman by using your mouth and tongue to stimulate the clitoris which is the most erotically sensitive part of a woman's body. The tongue and the mouth are more versatile than the penis which is why its such an effective way of giving a woman a clitoral orgasm.

Before you perform oral sex you should both make sure that your are clean so you may want to take a shower together first to ensure that you have the best possible experience. Its also important for men to cut their nails and make sure they are smooth as you don't want to hurt your partner and cause unnecessary injury.

A common mistake that many men make is to lick the clitoris too soon before the proper teasing has been done. Its important to take your time and slowly work your way around the erogenous zones so that your partner becomes sufficiently stimulated and ready for her clitoris to be touched.

Its also important to remember that using the same pattern on the same area can get boring so try to be creative and change your patterns regularly. If you know a certain technique that drives your partner wild with excitement its a good idea to bypass it and come back to it later as this will drive her crazy.
When your partner is ready for clitoral stimulation you first need to kiss the outer lips of her vagina and then use the tip of your tongue to gently lick her clitoris which is the little pink area of flesh where the folds of skin come together at the top of the vagina. Once you have stimulated the clitoris with your tongue you should be able to use it to slowly part her outer lips and then insert it into her vagina.
At this point, you can carefully hold her outer lips apart and run the tip of your tongue back up to her clitoris and lick it softly and gently until she becomes more aroused. The persistent rhythmic licking of your tongue tip on her clitoris is what will eventually bring her to orgasm.

To increase the pleasure you give to your partner while you are licking her clitoris you can insert one of your fingers into her vagina. It takes a woman a lot longer to orgasm than a man so stamina is important and you may need to keep going for fifteen minutes or more. Once she becomes excited its important to keep a steady and consistent movement as this will assist her in reaching higher levels of pleasure.

Cunnilingus can be used as a way of arousing your partner before sex or as a substitute for sex and its a great way of making sure your partner is fully satisfied. If you perform cunnilingus on your partner before sex and give her an orgasm it will also reduce some of the anxiety that men feel about how well they will perform which is useful if you suffer from erectile dysfunction and impotence due to stress and nervousness.

http://goarticles.com/article/How-To-Make-A-Woman-Orgasm-Every-Time-Using-Cunnilingus/749742/

How to Give Cunnilingus Properly

To give woman cunnilingus you need to have guts. Most men always avoid going that direction. The truth of the matter is, all women love cunnilingus. Your decision of learning the art of cunnilingus and performing it on her will make her stay by your side forever. Cunnilingus gives a woman the satisfaction she really wants. It always makes the woman feel like she is in a heaven of her own. Due to the intense pleasure, your woman will always keep asking for more from you. Here are some tips on how to give cunnilingus to your woman.

The first and foremost step is making sure you and your partner are clean. You can do this by taking a shower together or soaking in the bath tub. You can use sweet scented soap or bathing gel to give her that sweet scent that will instantly get her turned on.

Once in bed, get each other in the mood. We don't want you heading straight to the vagina. Play with her body, kiss her neck, hands, stomach, down to her inner thighs and constantly squeeze her breasts as you go for the nipples, suck them gently until they get erect. Make her as horny as possible.

Once on her vagina, start by gently licking her vaginal entrance up to the clit and following the outer edges of her vagina on both sides. Follow the rhythm of going up and down or the vise versa. This will definitely get her into the mood you want her to be and she will be moaning and crying out your name.
With your lips, hold her labia together and lick in between the inner and outer labia one side at a time. Repeat this for some time.

Give her a tongue intercourse. Steady your tongue and insert it in her vagina. The vagina has sensitive nerve endings, so it will not be hard to stimulate her. With your tongue make the back and forth motion. It is similar with how you do it with your penis.

Suck her clitoris slowly and gently. The clitoris is very sensitive and gives a woman lot of excitement. It is the 'door bell' for a woman. Once you press it, her body opens up. Gently suck the clitoris, while you are at this flick her vagina by spreading her outer vaginal lips with your fingers. Using your tongue gently lick and flick your tongue across the clitoris and into the vagina.

Use your tongue to hit her g-spot, move your tongue in and out of her vagina. Start out slowly before increasing your speed. To ensure you hit her g-spot, make sure you tilt your tongue around the vagina, follow the circular motion and tilt your tongue upwards when moving in and out of her vagina.

Always listen to what she wants. Some women like to be in charge when getting cunnilingus, while others love it when you are in charge. You should always get some feedback while on this act. This will tell you if she is really enjoying it. You will also get to know how to perform it on her and know the rhythm she wants. It can be slow, fast or wild. Be flexible with what she wants you to do and you will have her orgasming in your face in no time

Remember cunnilingus is one of the most intense and pleasurable art of giving a woman intense pleasure. With the above tips and proper communication with your partner, this will definitely take your relationship to a whole new level.

Read more: How to Give Cunnilingus Properly http://www.sooperarticles.com/relationship-articles/advice-for-men-articles/how-give-cunnilingus-properly-483339.html#ixzz23vUpT4QD

Giveaway Habits

http://www.privateaffairs.com/giveawayhabits.php

One or two minor changed habits by themselves usually don't raise suspicion as they could be attributed on anything. However.... if there are two or more major lifestyle changes, your spouse will begin to wonder what you're up to, especially if your habits seem to change "out of the blue".  
1. A sudden upturn in your demeanor or outlook on life.
In its initial stages, a new romance can add unaccustomed vitality to your expressions. You may show some of your renewed sense of well being toward your spouse, thereby raising suspicion.
2. You're constantly late.
A feature shared by all extramarital affairs is a shortage of time. Because you're forced to steal moments for your lover, there will be a sudden increase in the number of times you're late coming home for dinner, family occasions or official functions.
3. Your spouse notices a sudden increase or decrease in sexual interest toward them.
An illicit affair is as likely to heighten as to lower your sexual interest in your spouse. All must appear normal if you want to avoid suspicion. Do not attempt new or unusual sexual positions
4. You start being more possessive toward your wallet, pocket calendar or briefcase.
This is definitely true when it comes to my briefcase. If asked, my response will be that I caught one of the kid's in my briefcase some time ago and simply don't want them to be able to get into it again. I don't recommend keeping anything suspicious in your wallet. Names in the pocket calendar are coded even if my spouse were to snoop through it
5. You come home more often with alcohol on your breath.
"I know where you were... I can smell booze on your breath again... So who were you with?" Unless you've always stayed out one or two nights a week for a drink with your fellow work mates, this will cause suspicion. 
6. You start talking about getting together with old friends you haven't seen in years.
In your effort to try to find time for your lover, getting together with old friends appears to be a convenient way to account for time away. Make sure your spouse doesn't know too much about them.... particularly how to contact them. 
7. You start taking a renewed interest in your appearance.
... And why wouldn't you? You are now "dating" again and you want to look your best. Be careful here. Your spouse will notice this change and wonder why.
8. You start shopping for new clothes.
See above No. 7
9. You start keeping an overnight bag in your car or office, ostensibly for a workout or a game of tennis.
This makes sense if you have done this all along, but if this is a new thing for you, it can cause suspicion, especially if the bag doesn't contain any sports paraphernalia.
10. You order dishes you've never ordered before.
A new love tends to put one into an adventurous mood, often trying new things when with our lovers. Be careful about extending your new tastes too quickly into your other permanent relationship, especially if you have always been hesitant to try new foods before.  
11. You often "forget" to wear your wedding ring.
This is a HUGE indicator to your spouse that something is up.  
12. You start working late and on holidays and weekends.
If you start "working" at times that are unusual for you, make sure this can be backed up somehow. What if your spouse tries to call you at "work"?
13. You start to insist on answering the phone.
Giving your lover your home phone number is asking for trouble. This can be very touchy if you should have a falling out with your lover.  Dashingfor the phone every time it rings will cause alarm bells to go off in your spouse's head. 
14. At odd hours you start remembering things you forgot to do at the office.
Once again, the need for accountable time away from home causes us to look for more creative excuses. This might work  for a one time only emergency type of situation. It is NOT a good idea to do this regularly. 

15. You smell of a different soap from the brand at home or you smell freshly showered at 1.00am.
This is a biggie folks. Smells are extremely suspicious, particularly unusual smells or odors on you and your clothing. 
16. You buy your spouse gifts that show a new level of taste or insight about the opposite sex.
17. You make a point of keeping your car free of paraphernalia belonging to your spouse or the kids.
18. You start attending extended seminars or conventions.
19. You start using new words and phrases.
20. You take a new interest in your anticipated schedule.
21. You encourage your spouse to go alone to visit parents or friends.
22. You don't look at other women/men as much as you used to.
23. You take the dog for much longer walks than you used to.
24. Your spouse hears you making more phone calls late at night.
25. Your spouse senses a marked change of attitude towards you on the part of your secretary, colleagues or friends.
26. You suddenly take up new hobbies or friends that take you out of the house in the evenings and weekends.
27. You talk about a movie that you've seen but your spouse hasn't.
28. You express opinions on subjects you never used to take an interest in.
29. You call out a different name in your sleep or while making love to your spouse.
30. You suggest you open up separate checking accounts.

Private Affairs Personal Ad Tips: How to respond to a Private Affairs Ad

http://www.privateaffairs.com/how_to_respond.php

You've found an ad and you want to reply. But how to go about it so that you don't appear needy, desperate, or just plain weird?

Here are 5 tips to keep in mind when writing that all important first email to someone you'd like to get to know better.

Tip #1
Keep your first email short. It is ok to talk about things you have in common as revealed by the person's ad, but don't go into to great length or detail. This may appear frightening and you'll want some things to talk about later on, after you get a reply too!

Tip #2
Start by introducing yourself and talk about what you do for a living, one or two of your hobbies, but again, keep it short, just a couple of sentences.

Tip #3
Ask a couple of questions. Humor is a good thing here. "What's a nice girl like you hanging out at an online place like this?" Be sure to NOT ask any revealing personal questions, like real name, hometown, address, phone number and the like. You'll come across like a "cyber-stalker".

Tip #4
If you have posted your own ad, tell the person to go and read your profile.

Tip #5
Send only ONE email to the person. More than one will make you appear needy, desperate and just plain weird.

Remember, remain positive, keep reading those personal ads and keep sending out those introduction messages. Your lover is out there, and you want to find them rather than waiting for them to find you!

Private Affairs Personal Ad Tips: Tips For Writing Your Private Affairs Personal Ad

http://www.privateaffairs.com/tips_creating_ad.php

Start by being yourself. It's easy to overdo it, exaggerate and tell people something that you'd wish you were rather than who you really are. But this doesn't work in the long run. Fantasies are NOT how to meet someone special. And you aren't very special by being dishonest. Take a moment right now and list your good and bad features, something like this:

GOOD Good personal hygiene Had the same job for a long time I like kids I drive a newer car (less than 5 years old) I am told I am funny

NOT SO GOOD I smoke I drink occasionally The last time I bought new clothes was 2 years ago I have few friends I don't know why people stop calling or emailing me

Now that your list is done, it's time to let it all make some sense and work on your strong points. Take your list and sleep on it for a day or two. These are the things that make you an individual and we want to work on the good things! Start writing your personal ad now and include the things that make up your good points. Talk about yourself as someone would introduce you to someone new. The third person approach allows for you to not come over as too vain or insecure. Just be honest and describe yourself as you have been described.

Once you have been surfing and browsing the Private Affairs personals services, find a couple of members that interest you. Read what the other men (if you are a man) or women (if you are a woman) are putting in their own ads and see if what they are saying makes sense to you and appeals to your sense of honesty. Do the ads you are reading seem truthful? Like someone you'd like to meet? When you read the ad, does it make you want to become that person's friend? This is the reaction that you are looking for. 

Pay attention to the headlines that are leading you into delving farther into the ads. What works for you? Which ones grab your attention? How can you make it work for you? Take your time and aim high! Don't just copy a nice headline, change it to reflect the person you are and make it work for you!

Private Affairs Personal Ad Tips: Maintaining Your Privacy And Safety

http://www.privateaffairs.com/privacy_and_safety.php

How To Maintain Your Privacy And Safety When Meeting People Online
The Internet is ever growing. More people online means more people to meet. Wherever you click to, you'll find a discussion board, a forum, and a poll to voice your opinion, something to join and be a part of. All this leads to interaction with others online. How can you maintain your privacy? How can you protect yourself from the "cyber stalkers" that can terrorize online buddies, email friends and personals service love interests?


Tip #1: 
Always use an anonymous web based email address to sign up for anything online! E-mail services such as available at Hotmail, Yahoo, and others allow you to send and receive email without revealing any personal information. The email address that your Internet Service Provider (ISP) gave you, surprising enough, will send along with the email message headers plenty of personal information describing your location, your ISP, sometimes even your real name. Do you want this information going to somewhere you've just joined online or on a forum or discussion list where you just voiced your opinion? Are you ready to have your personal and private email address published on a web page for anyone to see and send to you email you aren't prepared for (spam)?

You can protect yourself by using free web based email service addresses for any program, club, dating service, newsletter, discussion list, forum or anything else that requires an email address from you. Of course, the beginnings of protecting yourself starts with signing up for an anonymous email service using your ISP given email address to begin with.


Tip #2:
Know your Instant Messenger Service (IM). Did you know that some versions of IM's will expose your Internet Protocol (IP) Address? These 10 to 12 digit numbers will reveal who your ISP is and what your location is. With "dial-up" Internet access, this is not too much of a threat, as you receive a different IP address every time you dial into the Internet. But with high speed access being more available, if you have this type of access you always have the same IP address. With just a couple of clicks and the right program, someone can find out your home address in under 15 seconds! Read the privacy information available on any IM service you are using and understand how to protect your IP address, your private email address and any other information that may be displayed to someone sending you a message. Never send or reply to a message from someone you don't know!

Tip #3: 
Never re-use user, account or nicknames! Most services will ask for you a user name, nickname, account name or some other such identifier that you use to log in with along with your password that is revealed to other users. It is very important that with each and every service you sign up for you have a unique user name (identifier). If someone decides to give you too much attention online, or starts "cyber stalking" you, you should "move on" to the next service (after reporting them and closing your account, of course). But, if you use the same user or account name somewhere else, eventually they'll find you again! And again! And again!

Tip #4:
Know the service you are using. Almost every online service that asks for any type of personal information from you will have a posted privacy policy. Take the required time to read it. Make a copy of the email address you need to report someone that harasses you through that service. Save it with your user name and password information, wherever you write that down. If at any time you are uncomfortable about revealing private information about yourself, leave the form blank. If it is required information, contact the company and explain why you do not want to provide such information to them. Either you will learn more about their privacy policy directly from them or not receive a response at all. If you don't receive a response, consider it a blessing in disguise!

Tip #5:
What to do if you become the victim of a "cyber stalker".

Don't panic. Send an email to the service and report the person that is giving you unwarranted attention. Include details such as copies of emails and messages you have received, their user name and other information you know or have received. If the harassment has only been through electronic communication (online), close your account with the service where the harassment took place. Get a new account name and email address from your main ISP, or change ISP's. Cancel or close any web based email services and IM services that you have used to contact this person or that they have contacted you through.

If the harassment has been offline as well as online, contact your local police or authorities and make a formal complaint and statement against that person. Contact your local phone company and change your phone number.

Remember, the odds are in your favor that the people you meet are "normal" and will not harass you. But you can never be too safe and that is what we are trying to help you be, safe. Not paranoid, just safe.

 These are the guidelines to follow to protect your privacy so that the unthinkable will not happen to you!

Polyamory: The Theory of Jealousy Management

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolyjealousy.html

So, how do you handle this jealousy thing?

Nobody is immune to jealousy, of course. It's like being immune to fear or hunger or anger. Some people may be naturally more jealous than others, but anybody can feel jealous. Jealousy, like fear or hunger, is just a feeling.

But jealousy isn't really a response to seeing your partner with someone else, at least not directly. it says more about your own security or insecurity than it does about the actions of your partner.

Jealousy is most common when somebody feels insecure, mistreated, threatened, or vulnerable in a relationship. If you feel secure in a relationship, you don't get jealous.

Jealousy is not the problem; jealousy is the SYMPTOM of the problem. Address the insecurity or the things underlying the feelings of vulnerability, and you address the jealousy. So the trick to making a poly relationship work is to make everyone involved feel secure, valued, and loved.

A poly relationship depends much more than a traditional relationship on mutual security and trust. Even the smallest amount of insecurity in a poly relationship can quickly be magnified to the point where it can be lethal to the relationship.

The problems are magnified even more if you try not to let your fears and your feelings show. One key to making the relationship work is to talk about your fears, openly and immediately, EVEN IF YOU THINK THEY'RE IRRATIONAL. Often, naming your fears, bringing them into the light, deprives them of their power.

I think it's natural to assume that people who aren't monogamous are immune to jealousy, but I don't think it's true. Rather, I think that jealousy is a symptom that something else is wrong. Often, jealousy is a symptom that someone is feeling insecure, or threatened. Address the underlying problem, and the jealousy goes away.

Jealousy, like other emotions, doesn't come from nowhere. It comes from a feeling that someone's needs aren't being met, or someone feels threatened. People who don't feel threatened, don't feel jealous.

The key to defeating jealousy, in my experience, is to address the underlying causes of jealousy--if possible, before they come up. Make your partner feel special, needed, and loved, and your partner will not feel threatened or afraid.

Personally, I'm a big fan of empiricism. One of my favorite quotes is by Francis Bacon, who said "Your true self can be known only by systematic experimentation, and controlled only by being known." I believe that emotions, though they are not rational, do usually have a reason behind them--they are the ancient part of your brain, the part that does not have language, trying to communicate with you.

So. the question is, why are you jealous? Jealousy is an unusual emotion, in that it's a feeling that's often built out of other feelings, such as fear or anger or insecurity. What is it that triggers the jealousy, and more important, why? When you think about the things that cause you to feel jealous, what's the first emotional reaction that flashes through your head--fear? Anger? Sadness? Rejection? Loss? What underlies those feelings--fear of loss her? Fear of being insufficient? Anger at someone else moving in on your territory? All of these? None of these?

Since jealousy usually has its roots in some other emotion, such as fear of loss or feelings of rejection or insecurity or whatever, then often the only way to cope with the jealousy is to deal with the underlying emotions. If you find that your jealousy is rooted in fear, for example, the next step is to explore why you are afraid, and what you are afraid of, and if there's anything you can do to allay that fear. Confronting the jealousy head-on without addressing the things that lie beneath it is often an exercise in frustration.

Once you've identified the feelings beneath the jealousy, the next step is to ask yourself: what are these feelings serving? Are they serving a legitimate interest? Are they trying to warn you of a real problem, or are they serving only themselves? This can be very tricky, especially with an emotional response like fear--fear can serve as a legitimate warning of a valid danger, but fear also tends to try to protect itself, and if you're afraid of something with no reason, your fear will try to persuade you that it's valid and you have cause to be afraid.

One thing that's often overlooked, particularly in the poly community, is that there are times when jealousy is a valid and rational response to a situation. if there is a problem in your relationship, or if your partner is using a new relationship as a way to avoid dealing with issues in your relationship, then jealousy is a reasonable response. Separating the jealousy that's a warning of a real problem from the jealousy that isn't is not always an easy task, though.

Where you go from there depends on what you discover about the root of the jealousy. Fear, insecurity, and so forth are all feelings that can be overcome, though usually not without confronting them directly, and deliberately exposing yourself to the very things that make you afraid or insecure.

Private Affairs Personal Ad Tips: Online Personals Guide

http://www.privateaffairs.com/first_time_tips.php

• READ PLENTY OF ADS BEFORE YOU WRITE YOUR OWN
  It is easy to see what works and what doesn't when you start reading what is being written out there. Read the men's and women's ad's. Use the things that attract you to a certain type of ad and adjust it for yourself. Stay away from what seems horrible to you. The words you use is the FIRST IMPRESSION that you'll make.
• EVALUATE THE SERVICE
  Any personals site worthwhile will be happy to prove it to you. Browse the ads, place your own ad, search for the real type of person that you're wanting as your extramarital partner. When you have found enough people that you are interested in meeting, go ahead and register so you can be ready to respond to ads you find interesting. Know that eventually you'll have to pay for this type of specialized service no matter where you go, but don't base your decision on the fact that you have to pay. If the cost is all you're worried about you'll never meet any of the people you've seen here so jump in!
• SIGN UP USING AN E-MAIL ALIAS
  Protect yourself, always! Starting right from the beginning, you should sign-up with an e-mail alias, such as this available from Yahoo or Hotmail and use it when you sign up for our Private Affairs service. Use it when you start corresponding outside of Private Affairs with your potential lover too. Be sure to choose a sensible name, "wildgirl@hotmail.com" or "hornyguy@yahoo.com" will only get you in trouble.
• A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS....
  ... In most places...... But Not Here!. We are most concerned about your privacy and security here. For your protection, we do not allow pictures to be published within our service. Imagine if your Spouse or someone you know happens by here and sees your ad... complete with picture... Uh ohhhh!
• DO NOT LIMIT YOURSELF BY LOCATION
  We live in a portable world! Destiny might just bring together the Pacific and the Atlantic oceans for you. Do not deny yourself the opportunity of meeting the right person just because they do not live within 100 miles of you.
• HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY
  Your ad is getting lots of responses, great! When it comes time to meet face to face, you don't want to be apologizing or making excuses for the untruths that you told. Honesty attracts honest people. Stick with your instincts too. If you feel that who you are writing and chatting to isn't being truthful, bail out while the waves are still small.
• REPLY TO MANY ADS
  Your response to someone's ad or profile should be well thought out and not pushy. Send one email and wait for a response, several emails to the same person may make you seem desperate and harrassing. Wait for the person to answer you back, and continue replying to other ads, do not send a second e-mail until you receive a reply to the first. Many people do not delete their ads or profiles once they no longer have a need to use the service, so you may be talking to someone that isn't even there! In an effort to keep this type of thing to a minimum, all of our users are subject to a "120 day login or be deleted" policy.
• DO NOT GIVE UP
  Getting responses from the right person can be hard, don't give up. Reword your ad, stay friendly. If you set a time limit on yourself, your pessimism will show through. Don't rush into anything!

Polyamory: Dating A Couple

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolydatingcouple.html

Often in poly relationships, one person may be dating or considering dating another person who is already part of an existing couple. Sometimes, one person may be considering dating both members of an existing couple. It's quite common for polyamorous people to begin new relationships while already in a relationship; this is, after all, the nature of polyamory.

If you're considering dating someone who's already in an established relationship, it might be tempting to believe that person has less at stake than you do--less risk of hurt, less emotional vulnerability--because, after all, that person already has someone else to fall back on if your relationship doesn't work out, right?

In practice, it doesn't work that way. Being involved romantically with someone does not make the pain of losing a relationship any less. This page is intended to provide some tips for would-be "third wheels" to avoid causing unnecessary pain.

- If any of the people concerned are bisexual, it's important for that person to be completely up-front about it, and about the expectations (if there are any) of sexual or emotional intimacy.
Sometimes, when a person who self-identifies as "bisexual" begins dating someone in an existing relationship, there may be an expectation that he or she should be sexually or romantically involved with everyone in that existing relationship. This kind of expectation, especially if it's unspoken, can create all sorts of tension. If the couple expects the romantic relationship to include both of them, but the person entering the relationship does not, it's particularly important that everyone understands everyone else's intentions clearly. If you're interested in one member of the existing couple, but not both of them, say so. Likewise, if you are interested in both members of an existing couple, say so. By defining the parameters up front about who you expect to be intimate with, you can avoid a lot of grief down the road.

- Be very skeptical of couples who say things like "We only want someone who will date both of us" or "We expect someone to have the same feelings for both of us." It's generally neither reasonable nor possible to expect relationships with two different people to develop at the same rate and in the same way; there are many people who try to make this happen, but it very rarely works. This combines two of the most common poly mistakes--trying to force relationships to fit a predefined shape, and expecting different relationships to develop the same way--into one.

Worse, some couples try to use this as a way to avoid dealing with jealousy or insecurity, naively believing that if both members of the couple are dating the same person, then nobody will feel "left out," and therefore nobody will feel jealous. In reality, it doesn't work that way; jealousy, like all emotional responses, is rarely rational, and does not often give way to rational thoughts like "Well, I'm having sex with her too, so I shouldn't feel jealous if he has sex with her!"

- Don't assume that it's necessary to develop a relationship with both people in a couple in exactly the same way; relationships grow on their own, and no two relationships are ever the same anyway. Doing this may impose unrealistic expectations on you; even if you were to date identical twins, it would be reasonable to expect each relationship to develop differently! Remember, you may be dating a couple, but each person in that couple is still an individual.

- Don't take one half of the couple's word that the other half "is fine with it" on anything you propose to do for the first time. This is particularly a problem with "don't ask, don't tell" relationships, where it may be difficult or impossible for you to verify whether or not your prospective lover's partner is even okay with the idea of non-monogamy at all!

Similarly, don't take one person's word for the way the other person is feeling or thinking. Even the slightest trace of misunderstanding, ambiguity, or wishful thinking can quickly escalate into a full-fledged meltdown. If you have any questions, go to the person involved directly.
Maintaining a successful relationship with one half of a couple often relies on good communication with both members of that couple. 

- Don't start a relationship with one member of a couple, unless you are prepared to be involved to some extent with both of them. This might sound elementary. Read it again, anyway. Regardless of whether or not you are dating both members of the couple, a relationship exists between you and both members of that couple, in the sense that each of them can have an impact on the shape your relationship takes.

I'm not saying you must be romantically involved with both members of an existing couple. What I am saying is that your partner's other relationship can and probably will affect you relationship.
If one member of the couple wants to have nothing to do with you, wants no contact or communication with you, or seems reluctant to even acknowledge your existence, take this as a warning sign. The likelihood is rather high that this will lead to grief down the road. At the very least, it makes asking for the things you need significantly more difficult, and it forces your partner to separate her relationship with her other partner from her relationship with you, making time management, scheduling, and communication more challenging.

- Understand that whether you are dating both halves of a couple, or forming a V relationship, there is an existing bond which is very important to the people concerned. The strength of that bond directly impacts the amount of love and energy available to you - the stronger the bond, the more goodies for you.

You can not fix a broken relationship. If the couple is already having problems, adding a new relationship with you to the mix isn't going to fix those problems. The stronger their relationship, the better the foundation for your relationship; and the more problems exist in their relationship, the more problems will likely occur in yours.

- Don't become the go-between in the couple's relationship. This is asking for trouble--and if things go badly, which they almost certainly will, you're likely to end up being seen as the villain.

- Don't expect someone else to be a go-between for you. If you are involved with one member of an existing couple, don't expect the person you're involved with to act as a go-between for you and the other partner. If you have questions or concerns about your partner's other partner, talk to that person directly about them!

- Be clear what you need and expect from a relationship, and be clear that your lover or lovers are willing and able to meet your needs and expectations, or at least treat them with respect.

- Understand what their "rules" are. Just as importantly, seek to understand why those rules exist; that way, you avoid the dangers inherent in obeying the letter of the rules but violating their spirit.

- Understand that "rules" are based on feelings, and feelings can change, and this may mean the rules need to be renegotiated. This includes your rules and your feelings.

- You have the right to make yourself heard. If you feel that a rule is unreasonable, or if a rule is actively acting against your interests, or if some agreement on the part of the couple excludes you from getting what you need from the relationship, say so. There is no shame in asking for wat you need, and if you do not ask for what you need, you can not reasonably expect to have what you need.   Understand, though, that asking for something does not and should not automatically mean you get it.

- The couple's relationship is not more important than your relationships with them. It is longer-lived. It operates on a different set of rules. But it is NOT more important.

- Remember that while you may sometimes miss out on time with your lover(s), due to competing commitments, you will often get better quality loving, because you are not always available and therefore taken for granted, like the long term partner.

Cheating on the Cheap

http://www.privateaffairs.com/cheatcheap.php

Are you fooling around with a co-worker? Do you have frequent dalliances with your spouse's friend? If so, finding places to cheat could prove sticky. Wining and dining your secret love might be impossible - whether you just don't want to, or can't because of a tight budget.

Whatever your reasons for cheating, be aware that acts of indiscretion often come with unforeseen responsibilities. Even short-term affairs require time, money and careful planning. And if you're not exactly rolling in the dough, finding economical ways to get your grove on can be rough.

The following tips can help you keep your wallet in your pocket-even while your zipper's down:

Borrow It
Got a good buddy who knows about your extramarital affair? If so, you might be able to borrow his place and conduct business there. But before you make a request, make sure to ask yourself a few questions:

- Do I trust my friend?
- Will my request offend him?
- Are our spouses friendly?
- Will he use this information against me?

If your friend offers you the use of his home, be sure follow whatever rules he lays down. Don't take advantage of him. If he feels used, bitter feelings could lead him to out you. If at all possible, beg a favor from a fellow cheater-he'll be sure to understand your plight and probably won't give you any problems about using his space. And because he's a cheater, he'll be less likely to 'slip up' and tell anyone about your arrangement!
 
Comp It
If you're cheating, you definitely have the heart of a gambler. You're already playing a high-stakes game, so why not schedule some trysts in gambling towns? Las Vegas and Atlantic City are just a couple of places cheaters can have fun and feel welcomed. Casinos usually provide free drinks, and often, free rooms! If you're a frequent hotel guest or business traveler, getting free room is usually easy. Not a frequent player or businessman? Then become a 'complainer'. Legitimate complaints-overbooking, reservations that weren't honored, or shabby service-all go a long way. Hotels want to keep your business and they're often willing to pay for your pleasure.

If gambling's not your thing, your job might be the ticket to lodging freebies. Travel agents, freelance journalists, and other industry insiders are often given free rooms for business reasons. Mix business with pleasure without breaking the bank.

Most of us see our money eaten up by monthly bills, household expenses, and credit card payments. Unless you can really afford it, affairs need never tax your wallet. But be cautious! Cheating on the cheap may save you lots of money, but if you're careless or overconfident, you could still get caught!
 
Rough It
Affairs with coworkers, close family friends or neighbors can be risky. Depending on your job, office sex might be the way to go. Isolated hallways, bathrooms, conferences rooms and elevators are all great places in which to be romantic-after hours. The two of you will also get off knowing that you might get caught-adding to your passion.

If you like taking chances, lunch-hour quickies in nearby motels could provide a lusty outlet. If a motel is impossible, drop a few bucks for a movie. Being in a dark theater in tight seats can definitely provide a lusty - if quick - outlet for passion. Knowing others might be watching could also add to the thrill.

Car-sex has been around since the invention of the automobile, but it can be an iffy proposition, unless you live in a remote area. Choose your lover's lane wisely, or else you might find a police flashlight shining in your face.

Warm weather is also great for cheapie affairs. For those who don't mind getting a little dirty, parks and beaches provide opportune places for outdoor lovin'.
 
Quick Tips
• Seek isolated areas for quickies
• Take your affair outside for maximum heat
• Ask a trusted friend to provide a meeting place
• Use your hobby or business to gain free pleasure