It's Never Simple

http://www.privateaffairs.com/neversimple.php

Advice from someone who's been there

When contemplating an extramarital affair, you don't want anyone to tell you to either "go for it" or "knock it off." You need to come to those conclusions all by yourself. No one else lives your life or your situation, so any advice they could offer along this line would be flawed and perhaps even unfair to you, because others could only respond from their own perspective. You need to work on developing the faith in yourself and your own ability to come to a rational, thought-out decision that is best for you and the inner person that you are. Then the answers as to how and if to proceed will be there for you.

The great majority of those involved in an affair love their spouse. Most have no desire to leave them. In an extramarital affair, the love differs a bit from one to the other, but those involved know in their heart that it is indeed possible to love two people romantically at the same time. Loving one does not exclude loving the other, albeit in a somewhat different way.

Many of us, when considering an affair will at one point or another say to themselves, "My spouse doesn't deserve this....."

You're probably right, if your mate is a good kind loving person who believes in you. But that isn't the whole equation, is it? Sometimes even a loving mate cannot meet all the needs we have as individuals, even with work, and communication, and all those efforts at trying.

But we can't believe that one person should ever be expected to be all things to another. Sometimes it happens - it just doesn't happen often, and that is not a negative reflection on either the one holding the expectations or the one with the burden of living up to them. We may just need a wider circle than one person for all time. Should you do your spouse a favor and leave them for another? Hmm - there are lots of good reasons to stay married that may not revolve around passionate love. A genuine caring may be present, you may be generally happy in most parts of your marriage (except for that one special need you may have that just isn't there), there are children and societal pressures. If you can honestly feel that you are giving all of yourself to each relationship (marital and extramarital, as you have to set the ground rules with your lover), then you have done all you can. It is very difficult to invest fully in two relationships, and it takes continued effort and some ability to ensure that you do not obsess about your extramarital affair at the expense of your normal marriage activities - but no one can ever argue you out of the fact that it is possible, depending on how much each relationship means to you. Parents love more than one child, siblings love more than one brother/sister - we have enough love to allot without rationing it.

Most of our extramarital situations, in general, are not unique. Your feelings, when meeting someone special are normal - and even healthy - in the early stages of this kind of relationship. Know in your own mind why you want to do this and what all the good things and bad things could be, and you will no doubt be well on your way to the answers you seek. And remember that no one can make you feel guilty without your consent - guilt comes from within, from a feeling that we have not lived up to the standards that we set for ourselves. And yes - it is probably best if you stay somewhat scared throughout your extramarital relationship if you choose to pursue it. It keeps you from being careless or complacent. It gives you the edge you need to pull off the lies, half-truths, deceptions, and duplicity that you will need if you want to be a married spouse in an extramarital relationship. You must decide if you can still value yourself as the good and caring person you are in spite of behavior that you may have viewed negatively. It does involve some redefinition of standards and a high degree of self-acceptance, after all. And be prepared for some hurt, whatever you decide to do. But hurt is indeed part of all relationships and all of life, so we would not advise running away from all sources of hurt, either.

"Hurt is nature's way of letting you know you are alive."

Good luck to you whatever you decide.